Inside the mind of Edward Cullen
by Zimriya
Summary: DISCONTINUED Peek inside our favorite vampire's mind. Crackfic
1. Promiscuouslybisexual vampires like hair

**Inside The Mind Of Edward Cullen  
**by CrazyBlueFlamingo

**Rating: **T

**Summary: **Peek inside our favorite vampire's mind. Crackfic

**Warnings: **MAJOR INSANITY. FREAKY PARINGS. ETC. You've been warned

**Pairings:** EdwardxBella EdwardxJacob JacobxA Rock JasperxEdward EdwardxHair

**A/N: **CinderellaAtTheball and I have recently read some fanfics like this, and we've decided to make our own. This fanfic contains a lot of randomness. We did this when we had nothing better to do. Flames will make us laugh. Enjoy! Hoseki-sama gave us the lines '"Edward, are you promiscuously bisexual?" Carlisle thinks I'm promiscuously bisexual.'

**Disclaimer: **So...we do not own Twilight or it's characters, Hannah Montana, Roger the abusive rock (srry, chapter 4 spoiler), Claires' pink nail polish, hair growth formula of _any_ kind, and anything else in here that you think we don't own and are planning on suing for...WE DON'T OWN NOTHING BUT THE RANDOMNESS!

* * *

Emmett thinks Esme shaves.

He's wrong.

I'm gonna tell him so

--

Emmett hit me.

Now I have to go and ask Esme if she shaves.

That would mean that she's hairy.

--

Jacob is hairy.

He is a sexy werewolf.

Bella is okay…but she's not hairy.

--

I wonder if Alice is hairy.

I shall look and see.

--

Nope. That's good.

Hairiness is the definition of masculinity.

If women were hairy, that would just be awkward.

--

Yesterday, Bella and I watched High School Musical. She thinks "Zafron is spicy!"

I wonder how much her TV costs….

--

Maybe I can blame it on Jacob.

"I'm too sexy for this crime. Too sexy for this crime. So Sexy it hurts!"

"Shut up, Jacob!"

--

Damn. He's right. He _is_ to sexy to got to jail.

I wonder if the serve pancakes in jail. Hmmm…

I like pancakes. I like Bella when she eats pancakes.

--

Bella won't shut up about how spicy Zafron is.

I think she's drunk.

--

Speaking of High School Musical, I think Gabriella's hot.

You hear that Bella?

I said "hot"

Bella is advancing on me with a spork. I'll be going now.

RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!

--

Today I went online.

I discovered who's playing me in the movie.

Wow. He's hot.

But he doesn't look hairy.

That's not fair.

I'm hairy!

Wait! I'm NOT!

Carlisle, make me hairy!

--

POOF

"Not HARRY POTTER you idiot! I mean HAIRY! Like fur, like…Jacob!"

"Edward, are you promiscuously bisexual?"

Carlisle thinks I'm promiscuously bisexual.

I think he's delusional.

--

I finally asked Esme if she shaved.

She hit me.

I told her Emmett made me.

She believed me.

Now Emmett is in the dog house

--

I wonder if Jacob has a dog house.

I'll bet he would be real sexy in his dog house.

--

Oh no.

--

I _am_ promiscuously bisexual.

What would Bella say?

--

"Edward, how could you? And with Jacob too!"

"Shut up, Bella. You are not hairy."

"I shave my legs!"

--

Shocking.

I like Bella now.

--

I suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Stupid Jasper.

What is he thinking?

--

Oh. My. Lord.

Jasper is thinking dirty thoughts about me! That's not right! He's not hairy!

Curse him to the fiery pit of Hades.

Wait, I don't believe in Hades.

--

I've got it.

"Jasper! Curse you to Alice's closet!"

"Yay! I will get to see her change!"

"…"

--

Jasper is a pervert.

He's hiding in Alice's closet.

Because I told him to.

--

Carlisle made me build a new dog house.

For Jasper.

Alice caught him in her closet.

--

"Jasper came out of the closet! Jasper came out of the closet! Jasper came out of the closet!"

"Edward, why are you dancing around my room with my panties on your head?"

"…"

--

Bella caught me.

Good thing I'm so god damn sexy.

My sexiness saved me.

"Edward! Where are you, you sexy vampire?"

"Go away, Bella!"

--

I am in Bella's closet.

She is stalking me.

Maybe I'm too sexy.

--

"Is it possible to be too sexy?"

"Yes, Edward. I am!"

--

Carlisle should go see someone.

He has a bad habit of jumping out in weird places.

"No I don't!"

--


	2. Intimate Apparel and Hannah Montana

**A/N: **Hi! This is CrazyBlueFlamingo and CinderellaAtTheball.

1. We weren't planning on posting a chapter two, but our randomness caught up with us in math class.

2. We bet some of you are just realizing that Edward was Harry Potter for half of it.

3. We bet you're checking right now. We are laughing at you.

* * *

Bella went to see the sexy werewolf today.

That's Jacob.

Lucky her.

--

"Harry!"

"Oh, Harry! Where have you been!? Here."

--

Some freaks just ran up to me and hugged me.

And they gave me...

(dramatic pause)

A stick.

--

What the hell am I supposed to do with a stick!?

I'm going to wave it around

Ooh, it makes sparks.

--

I was walking through this weird castley thingy, and I found another werewolf!

He call's himself Remus.

--

"Remus, are you part of Jacob's clan!? Are you a werewolf?"

"Um...yes?"

"Are you hairy?!"

"No..."

"Shun!"

--

I was bored, so I got out of bed.

I ended up in this room.

It is large.

--

Look.

A mirror.

I see...myself.

And I have hair!

And so does Bella! Yipee!

--

"I challenge you to a duel!"

"Who the hell are you?"

"Got milk?"

"What the fuck?"

--

A dude without a nose is talking to me.

Oh wait, it appears he has theses weird slits.

"I can hear you."

"No you can't"

--

The bald dude has a stick too.

He pointed it at me.

I believe that now is the time for one of Carlisle's random appearances.

--

"I am the dark lord! Fear me Harry Potter!"

"I'm not Harry Potter!"

--

'The dark lord' has me cornered.

To bad I'm in this ugly form.

If not, I could use my sexiness.

--

I have just discovered that in this form...

(dramatic pause)

I am HAIRY!

Yay!

--

"Edward, I will now turn you back!"

POOF

"Oh, no, I'm not hairy anymore!"

"Of course, I changed you back!"

"I mean HAIRY! Like fur...like, Jacob!"

"Edward, you're really creeping me out with the whole promiscuously bisexual thing."

--

Bella has returned.

She smells like Jacob.

That is sexy.

--

I caught Bella shaving her legs.

If she shaves, then does Esme?

That would mean she lied to me.

--

I went shopping with Bella today.

What is 'intimate apparel'?

It sounds so important.

--

I wonder Jacob has 'intimate apparel'?

Hmmm...

We went to Victoria's Secret, and this 'intimate apparel' doesn't...cover much.

I'll bet Jacob looks real sexy in his 'intimate apparel'

It shows off his hairiness, I'll bet.

Wait.

"Bella, try to imitate Jacob while I imagine that you're him in his 'intimate apparel'!"

Ow.

She slapped me.

_And_ called me a pervert.

I'm not a pervert! I'm just promiscuously bisexual!

--

Bella and I went to target.

Target has 'Hannah Montana' wigs.

Who is 'Hannah Montana'?

--

That was werid.

I just made air quotes.

--

I have decided to buy one of those wigs for Jacob.

It is hairy, and so is he.

"Edward, what are you buying?"

"A wig."

"For who?"

"Bella, she loves Hannah Montana!"

"No I don't!!"

SLAP

"Fine! It's for Jacob!"

"What?! Why?!"

"I'm promiscuously bisexual!"

--

I went to a Hannah Montana concert.

It's stupid.

The guitarest is totally hairy, yet the hairless singer gets all the attention.

I hate the media

--

Jasper and Emmett are out of the dog house.

I still wonder about Jacob's dog house.

--

"Edward, I will kill you for putting me in the dog house!"

"No, Jasper! If you were hairy, I would except your dirty thoughts about me. But you are not!"

"Yo, yo, yo! Just go wit da flow!"

"Shut up, Bella. You can't rap."

"At least I'm not hairless!"

--

Damn.

She had a point.

I must go apologize.

--

Jasper has started using some sort of hair growth formula.

He wants me to notice him.

That's stupid.

--


	3. Jasper's Beard and Jacock

**A/N: **CatB and I have realized just _how_ many review's we had requesting and update...and so, very overdue, here it is! The whole Jacock thing came out during Reading Period...which is sorta like demented torture I guess you could say. We were brainstorming ideas. And Jasper's beard came from you all! So if you have any ideas/suggestions, feel free to tell us. Flames are welcome, for they give us things to laugh about.

P.S. That does not mean to flame the story.

* * *

Jasper's hair growth formula worked...

... in all the wrong places.

"Tsk tsk, Jasper!"

Pst... I just _chastised_ Japser!

--

"Jasper you look like a freakin _mop_!! What the hell!?"

"Edward, be nice."

Stupid Bella. She thinks I'm flirting with him.

With Jasper... my brother... me flirting...

"OMG I _AM_ FLIRTING WITH HIM! AND HE'S MY BROTHER!"

--

"Edward, the world does not need to know about your perverse fantasies about Jasper."

"Shut up! Go away Carlisle."

"He's right, Edward. There's nothing wrong with flirting with me."

"GO AWAY"

--

Jasper's in Alice's closet...

I wonder how long it will take for Alice to find him...

And what _is_ Jasper doing in there?

--

I just heard girlish giggling.

Wait... I know who it is.

Who else is as girlish as...

...

...

...

"EMMETT!"

--

Ow.

He hit me!

"Shut up! Don't make me kick your ass anymore you bastard"

"Aw, come on, Emmett, we all know that you were at Clairestm getting nail polish."

"..."

--

The girlish giggling turned out be Alice.

Who came out of the room to pain Emmett's nails.

Let me get this straight.

Pink... is an awful color for Emmett.

--

Alice finished Emmett's nails.

She went back to her room.

And it was silent.

I think I'll take a nap.

"Bella! Fetch me THE RABBIT!"

--

"Edward?"

Jasper woke me up.

And I was cranky.

"What!"

"Look!"

--

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Jasper grew a beard.

Smexy!

--

"Well, Jasper, nice beard you got there."

Because he's so smexy, I must be seductive.

"Yep!"

"You know... I like hairy men."

"I know."

When Jasper waggles his eyebrows it makes me giddy...

--

"What the hell?"

"What?"

"I just thought your eyebrow waggleyness was CUTE dammit!"

"Really?"

--

"Well then I'll do it more!!"

"Jasper no! You're scaring me!! Its NOT SHMEXXY!!"

"Oh. I'll stop then"

"Thank you."

--

"Jasper, stop stroking your beard."

"Do you like it?"

He's coming near me... what do I do!

"Do you want to... touch it?"

--

This stroking thing is kind of fun!

"Oh, the hairiness. Why didn't I notice your beard before?"

"Because it's fake... er, I mean, um, you just weren't looking?"

--

Rip.

GASP!

--

"Jasper... why am I holding your beard in my hands?"

"Because, er, because..."

"Would you like to tell me something, Jasper?

"..."

"..."

--

Never trust your brother...it can result in dangerous situations

--

"JASPER! HOW COULD YOU _DO_ THIS TO ME!?"

SLAM

BASH

_CRASH_

--

"Edward, I hope you are aware that no person could speak while they were being beaten so cruelly."

"... _BUT JASPER ISN'T A PERSON!_"

"I'm not? Wow I—"

"_SHUT UP!_"

--

"..."

"_JAPER IS...A VAMPIRE!!"_

"I AM!!"

--

So Carlisle came home and put Jasper back in the dog house.

And he ordered me to make it larger for him.

Stupid Jasper.

Him and his stupid beard.

--

What's this?

Is that... Jacob?

It is!

--

"Hellooo, Jacob!"

"Hello, Edward, look here!"

"..."

"Look!"

"That's a rock."

"But it's _my_ rock!"

--

_But it's _my _rock!_

_But it's _my _rock!_

_But it's _my _rock!_

_But it's _my _rock!_

--

"Edward?"

"The echo..."

"His name is Roger, and he will be my rocky, and he will be my Roger..."

--

_His...Roger?_

_How could this happen?_

_Why can't you be _mine,_ Jacob!?_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

--


End file.
